I came across this blog that evidently I forgot to ever post and decided although it is a year later, I would post it anyway…
Confession time; I am the big fat chicken!
Before you decode the punchline let me first give you a little history (or Hystery)
For a VERY long time now I have been on the waiting list to have a Hysterectomy. Without divulging all the details, my uterus needed to go, is was lumpy and puffy, infected and diseased, upside down and back to front (exaggerating ever so slightly) and causing me relentless discomfort. It had served me well, housing four amazing miraculous tenants back in its day, but now its time was up.
Finally, I was given a surgery date. It was perfect too, the day after my husband’s graduation – which he did fantastically with distinction might I add! He has his first full time job as a graduated teacher so it meant that I could take time off without worrying about the financial ramifications. My parents were in town so they could help with the kids, and house and daily needs. Well that date has been and gone, I am now uterus free and recovering.
Before I had this surgery, I made plans as to how I could best use my six to eight weeks of recovery. I had it all worked out and at the top of my list was getting all my business requirements up to date, organised, and colour coded. I had papers to fill in and send off, people to contact, information to gather, conventions to register for, reading; SO MUCH reading to catch up on, and I felt confident in my ability to get it all done. HA! There was a fault in my plan, somewhere between the excitement of watching my husband graduate, the relief of finally having a date and the fantasy of being able to spend weeks on end doing nothing but laying still; I became a BIG FAT CHICKEN! I lost all confidence in myself and my ability to get things done. I have procrastinated about procrastinating, I have stared blankly at screens, reread lines of words on pages of thick wordy books over and over. My mind could not motivate my fingers to move to hold the pen to fill out the forms or sign the papers, nor could it intelligently articulate my thoughts. I have been scared of moving forward, scared of starting this ever growing list of to dos. Scared? Of what? You may ask.
For the last four years I have had to split my attention in a major way, I have had to be all sorts of things to all sorts of people for me to truly support and sustain husbands study. It has been my excuse, my reason as to why I have not been able to give all my attention to this, my business, my passion. I figured once I was no longer required to do all those ‘extra’ necessities, I would be all over this like melted cheese on a pizza. But I drastically underestimated how intimidating that is. Without the excuses and reasons, there’s only me left.
What if my I don’t meet my own expectations or my efforts amount to nothing? What if , noone needs my services or worse yet, no one wants me to provide it to them? What if another year passes by and I am in exactly the same place as today? My brain has become a specialist in extreme overthinking, mental torture and self doubt speeches that would rival an Olympic gold medal debating team! (ok, I don’t even know if that exists but you get the gist)
What if….I never get to support another woman’s Birth day again??!?!
And that’s when it hit me, Big fat chickens most certainly will never have any more birth days. So it was time to suck it up princess. Get on with it, fill in the forms, sign the papers, lap up the info, read the big fat wordy books. If it is to be so, if no one wants or needs me to support them before, during or after their Birth ever again; if I remain unemployed even when my body is recovered and ready, if nothing else, I will be a very organised, colour coded, well informed and researched “failure” but at least I won’t be a chicken anymore!
update…it is that year later and although I have new goals to meet , I have also smashed some goals, I stepped out of my comfort zone and networked like I never knew I could , meeting incredible local business women along the way, I have learned more, I have signed a few more documents and I HAVE had more Birth days. Here’s to the next year and all it will bring!